Trigger Warnings

Ever wonder what it is like to live in the life of another person? Sure you have. I think it is a human experience to pretend to be someone else, or at the very least be curious what it would be like if you woke up and you were “Being John Malkovich”-ing Heidi Klum. I mean… not Heidi. I meant Hemsworth. Yeah, Chris Hemsorth. Heidi Klum is not an example I had ready to go.

And so of course, I often wonder what it would be like to not have environmental triggers. Things like mental health become so commonplace that if you suffer from poor mental health, you kind of forget what it is like to be “normal.” If you are lucky and your head is free of cobwebs, clogs, and cogs, then you might be struggling to relate which actually rocks. May you still be healthy and happy.

According to the WHO, 1 in 8 people suffer from a mental disorder.

But let me put it this way. When you were last sick with the flu, your nose probably clogged up. If you go on long enough, that is just your life. No more shall you inhale through two nostrils. Smells will be weaker, food will taste more bland, but you are used to it. Others can smell and they can taste and they can be free, but not you. You are trapped in a mucus filled prison and acceptance gives you peace.

Until your nose clears up. It might happen over night, it might be because of one good nose blow. But it clears up and then you remember what you lost. You remember that you were not always someone who struggled to breathe through their nose and sweeping did not wind you out.

I think mental health is like that. I was not always filled with anxiety and depression and doubt and loss and grief and I could go on. But 15 years ago? I was happy, healthy, immortal. Like most young 20 year olds, the world was my oyster. I knew about mental health problems, they are genetic and with my family’s past, I think we have earned some depression. But that was not me. I was the optimist. I have been likened to a golden retriever before and I think that is one of the best compliments I could get.

But once it gets its claws in you, mental health is your life long frenemy. It is a chronic illness that can be regulated, and lessened, but it is still around. I could be having a wonderful day at the beach with my friends, listening to Billy Preston and drinking some water, and then pretty damn quickly things can take a turn.

Sure, rain could come or Poilievre voters could set up right next to you, but you still might be happy. You are with your friends, and you can go do something else.

It is not like that with mental health, and triggers. Now, I am glad I have already written about avoidance because they are pretty closely linked. I avoid triggers. I avoid things that would ruin my day. But what are my triggers? What makes me break down when someone else would not even notice.

Just a note, I am always going to be referring to my own experiences unless otherwise stated!

Triggers are going to be different to every single person, and they manifest in a vast number of ways as well. A trigger is essentially a noun that brings back bad memories and emotions. In extreme examples, think fireworks and soldiers suffering from PTSD. The loud explosions would not be good for someone who served a few tours. On the other side of the trigger spectrum, if you ever ate pizza and then got super sick, I bet you looked at pizza a different way after vomiting it back up.

Maybe you even still get a little nauseous when you see pizza? Congratulations! You have a trigger. Welcome to the party.

So now take that small example of food poisoning and apply it to your heart. Apply it to your brain. And no, it is not pizza that triggers you, but countless other things that have no connection at all to negativity in your life.

I have said it before and I will say it again. If there ever is an olympic competition for mental gymnastics, I have a strong lead for the gold I think. And while I would love to win an olympic medal, it actually really, really sucks.

I live in a neighbourhood on a cul-de-sac. The street is very safe to play on because there is no through traffic. Street hockey, kick the can, just straight up tag. It is all on the menu for the children in the neighbourhood.

Now, did you catch that? I would not blame you if you just read it and did not think a second thought about it. But there is a lot of children in my neighbourhood. And if you were not sure yet, I am processing a break-up and loss of a step-child.

My oh my do I have a wonderful example for you too about how triggers are affecting me. My father is over at my house, as I type. We are renovating a  bedroom into an office and I have been helping him from time to time. The, used to be bedroom now office, was my step-child’s bedroom. It was decorated and a lot of amazing, wonderful memories were made in that room. Playing Barbie’s, hide and seek, making shadow puppets on the wall… Lots of fun playing games in there.

Back to the present. As I said, my dad and I are working on the office and I have been able to be in the room with him for tens of minutes before tearing up.

I am always going to think of them whenever I go into that room. I kept the door closed for well over a year. An entire room in my house just completely off limits, like some kind of eccentric billionaire and their mysterious west wing corridor that is off limits.

Anyway. I was helping my dad cut some wood, and I was doing fine, both emotionally and as an apprentice. A bit tired, but that was expected with my circadian rhythm. But then I shifted my place in the room, things went dark and I found myself in the closet. Okay, it was not dark, the doors are being cut, but still, I was in the closet. It is a large closet and could easily have become a place of wonder and fun for a small child and that is exactly what triggered me because that is exactly what it was.

I had a flashback of chasing my step-child into the closet while pretending to be a big scary monster. But in actuality, I was just getting out of the way of my dad.

I started to tear up. I could feel it coming and I knew what it was so I excused myself. Not beating myself up about it, but that is the end of the day for me. Because I stood in a 1ft x 1ft box in my house, I now have a knot in my stomach, my eyes are heavy with tears, and I am sure anxiety is not far behind.

But that is life with triggers. That is my day to day since I struggle with my mental health. I cannot control what causes these triggers in me. 

Fuel for future posts, but did you know that your body essentially has a mind of its own? Your subconscious makes so many decisions each day without you even thinking about options. Most of it is good too since your body knows you better than yourself. I mean, your body knows itself better than your brain? The subconscious is weird and I am not going to try and pry apart the mind and the body. I can talk Dungeons and Dragons all day, but a doctor I am not.

I do not know what kind of triggers may be affecting you. You may not have any even. I never thought I would be the person to watch out for “trigger warnings” but that obviously changed. I will not watch things like The Last of Us (I know where that story goes) because a father/daughter relationship is central to the story. It brings back too many memories and those memories are incapacitating.

So yeah, there are things out there that some people would not notice at all, and for others it can ruin their day. Be kind to each other out there. Everyone is fighting invisible battles and there is every reason to be kind to a stranger.