Found Guilt

I would like to preface this by asking any close relative of mine not to read this piece. The 5th Humour is about being open and sharing so it inspires others. But this isn’t something I want to share with my close relatives <3

Well, there is a new catholic Pope, so I think it’s time to talk about feeling guilty, because boy oh boy do I.

The author Brene Brown wrote a book called The Atlas of the Heart four years ago. It is a book about emotion and navigating the human experience. To write the book, Brene did a lot of research, including a study with 7,000 people that took place over the course of five years. The goal was to determine what people think about their emotions. Shockingly, on average, people were only able to name three emotions that they felt.

My word do I wish I could only name three emotions.

Have you ever looked at an emotion wheel?

If you have not, picture a colour wheel, but instead of colours it is emotions broken down into specifics. In the past I have struggled to name my emotions, so I have turned to emotion wheels before in order to fully express these feelings in a way I wasn’t able to before.. Yes, I’m sad, but I’m more than that, I might be lonely. I might be happy, but if I dig deeper I find that I am eager, not joyful. To me, eager is Christmas morning presents. Joy is playing with those presents.

The emotional wheel I use has over 60 different emotions listed in it, and it really does help me get out what is stuck inside.

So, without further adieu, let us be found guilty.

If I were a betting man, I would wager that someone has asked you for help before. Moving? Pet sitting? Tag teaming Wordle.

Has anyone asked you for serious help though? Has someone you love gotten into a car accident and didn’t know what to do next? Or maybe you have a friend that got locked on a roof one late night in university. Maybe you needed to bail someone out of jail or had a friend that was being followed by a creepy stranger at night.

I hope, if you were asked to help with something serious, that you were able to come through for the person who asked you. I love helping people. It fills me with a sense of pride, joy, and community and I bet it does the same for you.

Then of course, the opposite feelings can be true. If you have ever let a friend or loved one down, you probably felt guilty about it.

And allow me to take this one step further, as that is how deep my guilt goes. Would you allow yourself rest after going through hell and back? I would wager that, once the Hobbits got settled back home after destroying the ring and taking back Hobbiton, they got stoned, drunk, and happy.

And you know what? They sure as hell earned that rest.

So why do I beat myself up when I play some video games to take my mind off of negative thoughts? Why do I feel as though I need to keep pushing and growing, even if my heart is broken?

Oh boy do I wish I knew the answer to that. But I do feel like that. I beat the hell out of myself often. I feel guilt at least once a day, no matter what. I could be at Disney World with my best friends, shoving myself full of funnel cakes and making a joke about Donald Duck not wearing pants (what’s up with that anyway?) but I would still feel guilt

And no, I have not been through literal hell. That is reserved for Dante and Kratos.

But I did live on my couch for six months because my ex was sleeping with the tenant who lived in my basement apartment, and they slept 10 feet below my bed. I did put up with the love of my life, walking out with their new love, to go on adventures while I watched heart broken from my front window. At least six months of living in the same house as your ex fiance and their new partner. Six months of wearing headphones every time I stepped inside my own house, because I could not bear the sound of my ex having sex in my basement. And headphones at night with a sleep aid podcast in my ears. I relied a lot on marijuana at this time of my life too. 

Now, I do not wish ill will on my ex. It was a complicated situation and life just sucks sometimes. Why did I not kick them out though? Did I feel anger at what had happened in my life? I had every right to kick them out of my house, but I didn’t. Why? Because I felt guilty.

What had I done wrong to feel this guilt? I was not the one who cheated. I was not the one with a new family. I was the loser in the break-up. Yet, I still did what I did. A small part of me was angry. A lot of me was sad and still wanted to help the person I loved.

Maybe that’s it? Maybe because I still loved her, I still wanted to help her. Of course there was a child involved which made things nearly impossible and I would have done anything for that child. I tell myself that is why I let them stay for so long in my house.

But, eventually, I got the house back to myself. It was (relatively) empty. Time to move on with my life. No time for rest and relaxation, too much guilt for that, but time to move on. Suppress, and push forward. Mode Push, to put it into F1 terms.

And then, the real thing to feel guilty for nearly broke me.

As I wrote before, I hope you were able to help your friend when they really, really needed you.

In this day and age, it is astounding how quickly we receive information. And due to that, your day can change in an instant with one text message.

I remember getting a text message from one of my dearest friends. One of their parents had just passed away. The text was simple, “Wanted to let you know that my mother passed away.” It was expected, but world changing nonetheless.

And what did I do? I froze. For a long time.

I was running on fumes. Had been for months. This was when my family was falling apart and I simply did not have the emotional and mental capacity for this information. I didn’t explain this. I didn’t know how. I waited a few days and texted back the usual, if you need me I’m here for you.

I regret what I did. This is one of the things that I feel guilty about in my day to day life. It sucks. I let a friend down. Yeah, my friend lives in a different city. Yeah they have a partner and other close friends nearby for help. But I failed on my part.

And that’s probably something you can relate to. Some things we have a right to feel guilty about I think. If I had received that text now, I would not even hesitate to get into my car and drive as far as I need. I would send them Skip The Dishes so they would not have to cook. Ask anyone who knows me. I think it’s actually a fault of mine, how much I’m willing to sacrifice for others.

As I type that, I can look up 6 paragraphs to see my recap of letting my ex and their new partner live in my basement for more than six months, much to the detriment of my own health. Funny thing. 

Anyway!

I have a habit of sacrificing my own well being to help others.

So. What if I put myself first? What if I stand up for Connor?

** THE NEXT PART CONTAINS TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

Well I stood up for myself and it ended up nearly costing me my life.

I’ll start by putting the tiger on the table and yelling at it. In the darkest days, I had suicidal thoughts. That’s a really, really scary place to be. There are various stages to suicidal thoughts it turns out. I have spoken with doctors and my therapist about them and no one has seemed alarmed. No overnight stays in the hospital for me. Mild - moderate was where I fell. Again, no real risk <3

No actual planning. No attempts. Not a real desire to even. I never will either so please do not worry about that. But a… what if?

I mentioned I stood up for myself. Well I had someone I love, plead with me for help, and I had to reject them. It was easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And this wasn’t a “help me move on a sunny Saturday”. This was a, I need this thing from you Connor or else my life is over, kind of situation. In hindsight, life goes on. The person I rejected I do not have communications with, but I know they landed on their feet.

I rejected them even though I could help them. But helping them would hurt me. It would have been devastating for me. And so I cried. I cried and cried and hyperventilated and panicked. It wasn’t a one time thing either. I was asked for help a few times, and each time I had to say no. This cycle went on for a few weeks and each time I said no.

The guilt I felt then was the source of the suicidal thoughts. I had never had such an empty feeling in my entirety. The thoughts I was having were along the lines of, if I am out of the way, I can help this person. So yes, I was thinking of suicide because that was the one way I thought I could help this person, and it was the only way I could silence the guilt.

But I did it. I stood my ground and here I am. I am content. Joyful even. I took care of Connor, and he is thankful for it

I might write on this more in the future. I might not. I’m pretty bummed out right now believe it or not. So I’m going to try and do what I hate doing. I’m going to try and take the rest of the day for myself and chill out. Time to go grab a bolter and kill some chaos demons in the year 40k.

IF YOURE LOOKING FOR HELP. IT’S ALWAYS AVAILABLE 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline