I love love

Emotions are pretty dang powerful. They are what makes life go around. If you ask a Vulcan, they would say I am illogical and a fool for believing that about emotions. To which I say, what about Spock?

I cannot speak for others, but I really struggle with finding the logic tree in the forest of emotions as it were and I do not think I am alone in that. I think people like Shakespeare and Aristotle would argue that emotions are for what makes a great story. You cannot have a tragic play without someone’s heart getting broken. Don’t drink that poison Juliette. It is not the logical thing to do! Helena may have launched a thousand ships but it was love that caused the downfall of Troy and the death of thousands.

Emotions are messy. Chaotic. Minute and massive. And I wanted to talk about love because it might be my favourite emotion.

I am 34 years old. I am in more than one group chat with my friends. I am single, and a lot of my friends are not. Whether they are married, married with children, new parents, DINKs, long term relationships, etc, these group chats are filled with couples. I could go on, but I think you get the point. When they go to bed, it is with someone they love and I think that is an absolutely beautiful thing. I hope everyone gets to experience that.

I have been in love before. I am still in love. I love my parents. I love my brother and his partner. I love my friends and extended family. I love the child I no longer see, and I probably still love the abusive ex partners I have had in the past. It is an incredibly tricky world to navigate, because while I have all of that, I go to bed alone. So I wanted to provide a little bit of insight into my world of love.

I mentioned Vulcans and logic before. If you are not as big of a nerd as I am, Vulcan’s are a race of species in the Star Trek universe that suppress their emotions in favour of logic and reason. They live in a world without emotions, without love. I never really thought about suppressing my emotions in the way vulcans do  but I guess I did. I did not want to feel angry or sad so I didn’t. Though, I never suppressed the positive emotions.

Can you be too quick to love? My first long term relationship lasted for 2 years. I fell in love and she loved me back. That was the first time I had actually told someone I loved them in a romantic way. Sure, I told Natalie Dormer I loved her whenever I watched Game of Thrones, but that surprisingly wasn’t reciprocated by the television screen. I remember that my first longterm girlfriend and I had been dating for 1 month before we both used the “L” word. Because that was my first time in love, I think I associate 1 month with a good time for telling someone you love them. You do not want to scare them away, right?

But to be honest, I fall in love with people a lot quicker than one month. I do not tell these people that, but I feel it. I remember clearly the day I met my ex fiancee. That was love at first sight. Of course I didn’t say that. I played it cool, life happened, and here I am. But I knew right away that I was in love.

I do not know why I am so quick to love though. I have been compared to a golden retriever before but I would chalk that up to my own excitement for life and for love. Could it be desperation? All those group chats of friends in love with the 3rd, 7th, or 9th wheel tagging along without a date to the wedding. I know I am not the only person who thinks like this too. As we age, time becomes a weapon wielded against us. No longer are we enjoying months of summertime fun. We become aware of each day. And each day going to bed alone is another day without love. So of course desperation comes into play. If I do not fall in love this weekend, then I will never have kids and a family so I better fall in love fast. Maybe I just have the capacity for stronger emotions? I have an incredibly high emotional intelligence so maybe what takes people a month I can do in a week, emotionally speaking.

And that is a weird thing I think. Can you feel love on a deep level without even talking to someone? I certainly did when I first met my ex. Maybe it was pheromones. Maybe I was just horny. But I really do not think so. I am a firm believer of love at first sight.

Another memory of love I have (this one is probably just horniess but it’s romantic) is when two of my best friends started to date. It was St Patrick's Day weekend and we were at the campus pub (shocker I know). One of my friends approached me and said “That Bob (fake name) guy is looking really good today.” Ohhh okay, I thought to myself. Love is in the spring air. A few minutes later, in the washroom washing my hands, none other than Bob walked up next to me. He leaned over and said “What do you think about that Jessica (fake name) girl?”. My two friends weren’t close with each other the way they were with me so I had the chance to tell him to go for it thanks to my insider trading. I walked out of that washroom with the biggest grin on my face. Two of my friends were both super into each other and I was excited by it. Several years later, I spoke at their wedding.

To me, love is universal and powerful. You never really know when it will pop up. It is the reason for waking up in the morning. Whether it is the love between two life partners, a parent and their child, or even a pet. If you have someone you love in your life then who the hell cares about anything else. And I really miss it to be honest.

And of course I miss it. Who in their right mind would not want to love and be loved. It isn’t even second nature to me, it’s first nature. I love and love and love until I cannot anymore. Then all of me is invested in this love and I surround myself with it. That is when self-sacrifice comes in. Am I scared that if I don’t do these things she’ll leave me? Yes, I think so. I do not want to be alone when I sleep so I have to push myself and always be “on”. If I let them in and they see the emotional, negative side of me, they will leave. So crank that love up to 11 and let’s make ourselves miserable because we think that’s what love is.

It isn’t though is it? Sure, self-sacrifice can be the grandest gesture of all. Gandalf sacrificed himself to fight the Balrog. Sure he got a sweet upgrade, but he did it nonetheless. But I think I need to learn that the right partner is okay with the negative side of me. Gosh if my therapist saw me write that I am sure I would get a high five haha. Some self-sacrifice is always involved in relationships. You sacrifice part of your privacy, your time, your way of living, your money (am I right?) but that is the way real relationships work. You might sacrifice your time, going out instead of staying home to play video games. But in a good, happy relationship, you don’t care anymore. You want to give up your privacy or your space because you want to hold onto that person as tightly as you can. Maybe that is just me, but I doubt it.

Is that why it is so easy for me to enter abusive relationships? Am I so desperate that I trick myself into thinking that is what loving relationships really are?

I don’t know and that’s a bit of a scary thing to think about. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m an incredible person, just not the right incredible person.

But I know myself. I know now that I deserve someone who meets me at my level. Someone who has to raise the bar to me in terms of what they can give in a relationship. I wonder what that will be like.