Avoidance

I often forget that not everyone sees the world the way I do. I think that is a bigger problem in itself, world around. But, as I have stated before, I cannot write on behalf of the 8 billion people that share this world with you. I can only write what I know.

And I know that I am scared to leave my house. No, I am not worried about getting hit by a car, or being robbed. I am a 6 foot tall, 220lb caucasian who identifies as male. I won the genetic lottery, what the hell do I have to be scared about?

How about a 40lb child?

I am sure some of you know what I am talking about, in a broader sense. Ever run into an ex while out doing your shopping? Maybe you broke up mutually and are friends and the chance encounter is a great time to catch up! I have been there before and it is simply lovely

I am also sure you have ducked behind someone or something to avoid being spotted by an ex. No word of a lie, I hid behind my steering wheel because I happened to park  kitty-corner to an ex and her new partner, who were walking to their car.

I could move away, to a different city or country or continent, but this is where I grew up. My house is here, as is my family and my career and foundation. I do not want to move again. So I live my life in a way that others probably do not and that is being absolutely terrified of being in public.

If you are unaware, I am processing a horrible break-up and I no longer am seeing a child I helped raise for years. It is absolutely heartbreaking and will be for my whole life. Of this I am sure. As much as I want to see them again though, I know seeing them in person would be 100x worse. What if they want to reconnect and we cannot because of their parents? What if they do not recognize me? If I see them again… I have to say good-bye. Knowing it will be good-bye and that is something I simply cannot do right now. I am tearing up just writing about this fake encounter that my brain says will happen each and every day.

And that is just it. It is a fake scenario. Do I have a chance of seeing the youngster at the gym at 10am on a Wednesday? Probably not, but that does not stop me from keeping my head on a swivel. If I am out and about in public I have already planned in my head where I will dive if I spot my ex, or, worse yet, her child. Going on a hike? Big risk for me because you never know who will be just around that bend in the forest. Grocery shopping? Every aisle you pass by could be one that ruins your life. Every nook in the library, shop in the mall, or person I pass by on the street could be it.

Will I die if I see the young one? Absolutely not. At least, I hope not. There are actually some interesting cases where people have died from a broken heart. But would it set me back? Absolutely. The day would be written off, filled entirely with weed, junk food, and distractions so I at least somewhat function. But who knows how long I could be like that? And that terrifies me.

I remember an episode of How I met Your Mother where Lily dumps Marshall. There is a montage of Marshall wearing sweatpants day in and day out (I just realized I’ve been rotating through my three pairs pretty reliably) and the narrative voiceover says that he is hurt and in pain and will not be his normal self until one day, he just is.

And that is kind of how I feel right now. I am working on it, growing, adapting, learning, and challenging myself. I am at the stage where I can sometimes not wear sweatpants and be stoned off my ass. But I am still very, very scared about being out in the public. All because my anxiety is telling me that a situation that is entirely made-up and may never actually happen, will happen, as soon as I go get milk. It is all too real for me.

In the end, I can only let you know that your brain will tell you lies. They may not seem like lies. The chemicals in your body and brain certainly will not think that they are lies, but they are. And remind yourself of that. You are not currently getting fired, so why spend 15 minutes going through your head of which jobs you should apply for. You are not late for your plane that is two weeks from now and you have all the power to not make yourself late. Do not let your brain win on these ones. Your brain is a liar, a cheat, and it is just trying to protect you. <3